I was excited to be a part of the Adoption Blogger Interview Project for 2012. It just so amazing to me to see how many adoptive Momma's there are out there. I have been so encouraged by so many of these wonderful Mothers and I was blessed to get to learn a little bit more about one in particular!
*You can read a BUNCH of other interviews over at "Production, Not Reproduction"..here.
I was paired with Alissa from Not A Visitor and loved getting to know her! Here were my interview questions and her wonderful answers!!
1. What made you choose adoption as "Plan A"? Was there any "backlash" from friends/family about not having bio children first?
Andrew and I have always had
adoption on the table -but we did experiment with getting pregnant
before we pursued adopting full force. I had been told since I was a
teenager that for various reasons it might be difficult for me to become
pregnant, so it wasn't surprising to when it didn't happen naturally.
Andrew has never felt a need for biological children, though, so for him
trying to get pregnant was more humoring me than anything. What we
found out about our fertility was that if we really wanted to reproduce
biologically we likely could, but pretty serious medical intervention
would be necessary. That helped me get in touch with something I felt I
had always known in some way - that adoption was how we would find our
children. We did not experience backlash from family or friends,
although some folks have asked us if we'll ever try for a child that
shares our genetics and we just answer cheerfully that we're happy with
the family we have. All of our parents have biological grandchildren
from our sibs (Andrew and I each have a brother) so our choice didn't
deprive them of that experience.
2. What do you think are the biggest misconceptions about open adoption? Have you faced any of those?
I think the biggest misconceptions around open adoption have to do with
pre-conceived ideas about first families and first parents as a threat
to the adoptive family. Especially when J, my oldest, was a little baby I
would get questions like "but, her birthmother can't actually
find you,
can she?" or "What if she wants her back?" I usually explain to people
that in my view the situation is the opposite - our connection to Z, the
girls' first mom, is an asset, and the fact that she gave birth to and
made the first big choices for our girls doesn't threaten my motherhood
in any way. Her love for her children adds to the love in their life in
general, and the more connected we can be to her the better, even though
at the moment most of the communication is from us to her.
3. What has been the most challenging thing about raising two children outside of your race?
The most challenging part for me has been the growing realization that
wonderful people do and say racist and ignorant things - and by "people"
I mostly mean "white people." I was working my own racial culture
issues (I am white) before the girls came into my life but having them
as my daughters brings out the worst in other people sometimes, and
usually its my people - the white folk - who screw up and say or do
something racially insensitive when I or my girls are around. The number
of strangers, always white folk, who have asked or tried to ask without
actually saying it out loud if my girls are "crack babies" is
astonishing to me. Equally intense are the number of times I have had to
ask white people not to touch their hair. It has been eye opening, and a
great opportunity for me to figure out how to talk to people about race
issues as well as how to communicate my boundaries to others in ways
that are compassionate and firm - the way I want my kids to learn to
respond to that stuff if they need to.
4.
Tell me a little about your decision to become a priest? What religious
affiliation are you a part of? I grew up Catholic and thought that
priests were only in the Catholic faith. Enlighten me! :)
Great question! I am Episcopalian, and we also have priests! The
Episcopal church is part of the Anglican Communion which descended from
the Church of England - the one that started when one of the King
Henry's wanted a divorce that the Pope wouldn't grant so split the
Catholic church in England off to be under the king. Long story short - a
lot of what Anglicans and Episcopalians do with language (priest,
bishop, mass, etc) is similar to the Roman Catholics, but a lot of the
theology and dogma is less rigid. In the USA we've been ordaining women
for several decades. I decided to become a priest because I feel a deep
vocational call to do that work. Part of that call - the explainable
part - came from discerning that this is a vocation that will use all of
who I am: speaking skills, leadership ability, intellect, love of
Scripture, love of people, desire to engage in good and meaningful work.
It will never be easy but it will also never be boring! (well,
sometimes the meetings are boring, but in an overall sense - the liturgy
and people sense - not boring.)
5. How do you decide on what to share with your readers and what to keep private?
My
first rule is to only tell my story and not anyone else's. So if, for
example, I am struggling with a behavioral issue with one of my kids I
don't write about "her" problem but instead I write about my struggle as
a parent and what's going on for me. I don't want my children to look
back and feel like I was spilling their secrets or intimate childhood
moments all over the internet, but I do want to be authentically myself
in my writing. My second rule is that I don't write anything that I
wouldn't want my mother or my husband to read. Which is necessary, as
both do read my blog. Finally the stuff I write here isn't private - I
would share it in a homily if appropriate, or talk about it with someone
I didn't know well. I'm more open than many people - but for me this is
public stuff. These rules end up meaning that I generally don't
complain about the people in my life or tear down any other human beings
in what I write.
6.
How did your family react to your transracial adoption? Was anyone one
way before you adopted and another way after you brought the girls home?
Meaning, did you have any "supporters" before that turned into "not so
supportive" after?
If anything it was the
other way around! Meaning that the few "not so supportive" turned into
supporters once they met our J and saw us together as a family. My
family is different than me in many ways - the same is true for Andrew
and his family - but they are hands down one of the most loving groups
of human beings in the universe. From the moment we announced we were
adopting and how it would happen they were extremely supportive - with
one exception whose generational location among other factors
contributed to some anxiety on that person's part over the transracial
nature of our adoption plans. Suffice to say one facebook album of
photos later and all doubts were gone.
It
is my experience that biases against a category of human beings (race,
class, sexual orientation,etc.) are much easier to maintain when people
don't know or love anyone who belongs to that particular category. I
want to be careful how I phrase this, because it is in no way a
justification for transracial adoption, but one of the happy byproducts
of having my girls in my life is that family members who maybe have
never had the chance to be close to and love someone who isn't white now
have that opportunity. And just that can change people. We don't have a
mono-racial friendship community, but some of our family does, and this
has been good for them.
