Monday, May 23, 2011


Maybe I should be more like my husband (oh my gosh! Don't tell him I said that! ;) )
I mean, mainly when it comes to this adoption. He is a calm, positive, no-frills kind of guy. He is laid back and can come off as not caring if you don't know his personality, but really he does.... a lot. He doesn't worry like I do, or if he does he's darn good at not showing it.

Last night I had a small breakdown. We got some news from some friends that are changing direction in their adoption journey and it just made me second guess myself and this process. I'm sure that's nothing new for all the "experienced" adoptive parents out there....but to me, it's something I HATE doing. It puts these little pieces of doubt in my mind, and sometimes it's like a slippery slope until, before you know it, i'm sitting on the couch in tears about this path that God has led us down.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm praying hard enough, long enough, intentionally I reading the Bible enough (who ever is?), am I reading the right verses, the right books......
My worries of this sort can go on for days! Worry is EVIL! *sigh*

I read other blogs and read about how they seek God and He led them to another place, to another journey...etc.
I read blogs where all of a sudden there is a "waiting" child and *BAM* their home and happy and in like 4 months!!!!!!!!
*might be some jealous/bitter feelings talking there...i apologize*

I read blogs where they are SO SUPER in sink with God, and with their spouse.... it's all a bit overwhelming. I must pray all the time for the envy I feel. That's EVIL too! *dang, i'm on a roll with the EVIL feelings...crap*

I know that God is really working on my testimony. From infertility, a cancer scare, a total ovarian shut down, 2 surgeries in 3 months, ALL the adoption highs and lows.... all throughout I have clung to HIS love, and trusted in HIS word that all of this will one day be used to glorify him! wow.

I trust God.
I trust that ALL of these things happen to keep my life in "line" with His Will!
I know that one day I will be a Mommy to a sweet baby. I know that God wants that for me.
I hold tight to the fact that the Lord can move mountains....and this is my mountain.

Today is a rough day, but I know that I am not alone.


  1. Oh my gosh, I could have written this post myself. It is such a hard, tough, tedious road, and one we have little control over as far as the future of ET adoptions. While I think we will stay on this path, I question things all the time (and the hubs is pretty calm, too, darn him!). Having time to reflect on your decision (ie, a small breakdown) is, to me, perfectly normal although, again, really hard. It sounds like you've been through the ringer before your adoption journey started, which makes things even tougher. Gosh, I wish I had something more positive to add, except that if it's any consolation, you are not alone at all, and I wish I could make you some (sweet) tea and connect. Gah. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

  2. So glad you spilled your guts and shared your heart. I have been dealing with so many of these same things this week. Hang in there...."God will make a way, he'll do whatever it takes, even though it won't be easy. He has a plan and though we may not understand, He will make a way"

  3. hey sweetie- I am totally feeling you. my husband and I have been doing a lot of talking about this lately. the road of an Ethiopian adoption is SO uncertain right now. I keep reminding myself that God didn't guarantee us certainty or quick turnaround times or an easy road. In fact, He said the opposite. But it stinks. It's a hard time. What I'm trying to say is "I feel ya. hang in there."

  4. Oh, I'm so sorry!! Just know that a lot of blogs are all the good stuff and not real life. What you're feeling is completely normal and very hard. Hang on to God...

  5. Hi Kathleen,
    I'm Christie, and we are right behind y'all on the FBI. I can completely relate to your post right now! Every time I read another blog about God so clearly redirecting someone else, I am left wondering what is going on with us! We haven't heard Him telling us to change course, but with all the uncertainty I may lose my mind! So for now we will continue waiting to see what happens. Just know that you are definitely not alone!

  6. Hi there--just watching the news on the crazy tornado situation in OK, and thinking of you guys!! Hope you are well!!!!