Maybe I should be more like my husband (oh my gosh! Don't tell him I said that! ;) )
I mean, mainly when it comes to this adoption. He is a calm, positive, no-frills kind of guy. He is laid back and can come off as not caring if you don't know his personality, but really he does.... a lot. He doesn't worry like I do, or if he does he's darn good at not showing it.
Last night I had a small breakdown. We got some news from some friends that are changing direction in their adoption journey and it just made me second guess myself and this process. I'm sure that's nothing new for all the "experienced" adoptive parents out there....but to me, it's something I HATE doing. It puts these little pieces of doubt in my mind, and sometimes it's like a slippery slope until, before you know it, i'm sitting on the couch in tears about this path that God has led us down.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm praying hard enough, long enough, intentionally enough.....am I reading the Bible enough (who ever is?), am I reading the right verses, the right books......
My worries of this sort can go on for days! Worry is EVIL! *sigh*
I read other blogs and read about how they seek God and He led them to another place, to another journey...etc.
I read blogs where all of a sudden there is a "waiting" child and *BAM* their home and happy and in like 4 months!!!!!!!!
*might be some jealous/bitter feelings talking there...i apologize*
I read blogs where they are SO SUPER in sink with God, and with their spouse.... it's all a bit overwhelming. I must pray all the time for the envy I feel. That's EVIL too! *dang, i'm on a roll with the EVIL feelings...crap*
I know that God is really working on my testimony. From infertility, a cancer scare, a total ovarian shut down, 2 surgeries in 3 months, ALL the adoption highs and lows.... all throughout I have clung to HIS love, and trusted in HIS word that all of this will one day be used to glorify him! wow.
I trust God.
I trust that ALL of these things happen to keep my life in "line" with His Will!
I know that one day I will be a Mommy to a sweet baby. I know that God wants that for me.
I hold tight to the fact that the Lord can move mountains....and this is my mountain.
Today is a rough day, but I know that I am not alone.